TRUST yourself. You’ve survived a lot and you will survive whatever is coming.
– Power of Positivity
I never knew such a thing existed.
Only after a few years of experiencing this burning sensation moving through my body, as if I was on fire…literally, and frequent runs to the bathroom either vomiting or an episode of diarrhea, did I learn of anxiety.
At first, it was panic attacks. It mimicked quite perfectly that of asthma attacks. Chest tightening, shortage of oxygen episodes, heart palpitations and bursts of nervousness. Only much later, actually a few years after, did a psychiatrist inform me that I suffered from anxiety.
It wasn’t something I was familiar with. I basically learned the hard way, through episodes of crying, panting and thinking I’m dying of…something. The anxiety really started kicking at the moment my husband had to leave for work. The fear…my word…the fear was intense!
Let me tell you, maybe you are familiar with it or maybe this is the first time you reading about it, but separation anxiety is very real.
It’s a real mental condition which turns the sufferer into a fear ball of craziness!
It was during 2010 when I first started noticing symptoms of not being able to be on my own. Emotionally, physically and mentally I held onto my husband for dear life. Why? Because it literally felt as if I was going to disappear. To where? I don’t know, just evaporate into nothingness and I’ll be left on my own to deal with this monstrosity completely solo.
During 2013 I had a relapse of my depression episodes, really becoming stuck in that dark deep hole seeing no escape whatsoever.
I remember my husband taking me for a drive, just to get out of the house and breathe in fresh air; yet I’d start crying and a plea for him to let me go so that I could die. I prayed and begged whoever was in charge, I pleaded to God to simply let me die as I couldn’t tolerate these dark emotions fluctuating through me continuously.
Hubby took a week off from work to aid me in any way he could. Him just being at home helped me so much mentally. He worked as a Hydraulic Fitter and Turner at a family’s business. They had irregular hours. working hours constantly changed. I never knew what time he would come home. Sometimes it would be 6 PM, 10 PM and then 4 AM in the morning. That completely derailed my coping abilities. Our kids were aged 5 and 8. I had no other family members to support me as they had to deal with their own things as well. Friends were non-existent. I was alone and incredibly vulnerable.
After hubby took off from work, we drove to Cape Town. It was a 7-hour drive. Time to visit father-in-law. They have a house nearby the ocean, so me standing at the window, I could literally see, hear and smell the waves crashing on the shore. Something that always calmed my inner storms. However, the 6-day trip didn’t quite turn out the way we thought it would.
Family members didn’t understand the concept of depression or anxiety.
Thus, we were without emotional support which we desperately needed at that time.
After me trying to mentally rest a bit, I knew the inevitable was waiting… as soon as we arrived home, hubby would have to go back to work and I’d be alone with the kids.
You see, I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t cope with anything. Daily chores, being a wife, woman, and mother…it was all alien to me while in panic-anxiety-ridden headspace. Making breakfast in the morning felt like climbing Mount Everest. I had nothing left in me to carry on. I just wanted to die, because what type of person does it make me who can’t cope with life?
Depression was part of my life since an early age but really started stepping in during 2006. Anxiety soon after followed and attacked my mind and body every single day since 2006 and it just became worse and more out of control. As if that wasn’t enough, separation anxiety dived into my space full force and I now no longer was a normal functioning human being. To top it all off, suicidal thoughts reminded me day and night of why it would be better to rather die than to keep fighting to stay alive.
Until 2015… Hubby could no longer tolerate my degrading health as he decided to choose me above work and money.
You see, he was our only source of monthly income. I couldn’t cope with a normal daily job. Since he quit his job, he cut off our income and random family members decided to step in and help us with food etc. This is where things really started getting ugly. I could no longer go to the toilet on my own! Just being a step away from my husband completely threw me off, thus making me want to run for the hills, scream and just beg for mercy upon my soul! Hubby literally had to hold my hand ALL THE TIME!!!
Did you read that last sentence clearly? He had to hold my hand all the time. If I didn’t physically feel him, I would burst out in tears as it felt as if something was busy swallowing me whole.
I could write a book about all the experiences I endured over the last couple of years.
However, I simply want to give you an idea of what I experienced and how I experienced separation anxiety.
According to medical experts; separation anxiety is an anxiety disorder in which a person experiences anxiety when separated from home or from people to whom you have a strong emotional attachment to e.g. a parent, caregiver, partner or siblings etc.
Separation anxiety is quite common and normal amongst children and child development. However, it’s quite different when an adult experiences it. It’s not normal and can lead to disastrous outcomes.
Physical symptoms one can experience is nausea, headaches, sore throat, sweaty palms and/or shivering. It really differs from person to person. I experienced upset tummy as well and severe nausea. Uncontrollable shivering/jitters. You can become extremely fatigued as your mind is in overdrive during this time period. The adrenaline shooting through your body keeps you on high alert, keeping you awake, yet you become fatigued quite quickly, but can’t sleep.
Mental symptoms can include the following:
Unusual distress about being separated from a person or pet. Excessive worry that another person will be harmed if they leave them alone. Heightened fear of being alone. Physical symptoms when they know they will be separated from another person soon. Excessive worry surrounding being alone. Needing to know where a spouse or loved one is at all times.
What causes separation anxiety?
Usually, numerous factors can cause this type of anxiety, yet in my case, it was due to childhood trauma which was never resolved. You’ll notice in all the other blogs I write about how important it is to go to the core of what the root cause is. You can’t tiptoe around the issue. You can’t ignore the elephant in the room. Steps must be taken directly from you in order to step into the pathway of healing yourself. The day must arrive where you accept what has happened to you and accepting what has happened. Past trauma can be due to childhood trauma, abuse, divorce, rape, kidnapping etc. The list is quite extensive.
Here I speak about my past DEPRESSION .
This section I speak about my past ANXIETY .
Read here about my past childhood trauma RELEASE .
You’ll ask or wonder why I’m such an open book when all of this is such personal journeys.
My answer; there are far too many people out there who experienced or still do experience what I’ve had to endure. There are way too many people struggling in this life, not knowing how to help themselves, not knowing if they’ll ever see daylight again.
I’m here to give you hope.
I want to show you that it IS POSSIBLE to heal from all trauma, whatever it is you faced! You just need time and a will to heal yourself!
You already encompass strength. The fact that you’re still here, taking baby steps in your daily life, shows you, you have the strength to move forward. You just need the tools and info and reassurance that you can make it!
I was literally hanging with my one leg in the grave and the other leg stuck in the gravel in the living world. The fact that I’m here today is by far the biggest miracle I’ve ever received. I was in such a mental mess. Wanting to die over and over and over, because it was too hard to live. I didn’t know how to live. Being and feeling normal was a foreign concept to me. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) stepped in and ruled my life. FEAR clouded my vision and every move I made. Suicidal thoughts teased my thoughts and made me believe there is no other way than to give in!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY… If I can make it out alive, then YOU can make it out alive!
I discuss various treating options and what I used to cure myself of this mental trauma. I don’t want to add it to the blog itself, as the blog will then be too long. Click on the video below and listen to how you can heal yourself by making use of various options.
Love, Light & Peace to you.
The posts on the Lyran Heart Blog detail my own personal experiences in relation to the topic. This can include, but is not limited to, challenges, healing, growth, evolving etc. When it comes to lessons and/or healing tips, we cannot guarantee that you will have the same experiences or outcome. I am not a doctor and cannot provide medical advice. None of the information I share should be used as a replacement for seeking medical attention.
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